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I guess I just need to get this off my chest somewhere and here seems as good a place as any.

My cousin has been fighting a brain tumour for quite some time, years in fact. I haven't been told the ins and outs of the latest developments with his problem but it's bad. To cut a long story short he's been moved into a palliative care unit and hasn't got long left.

He's 32. His adult life is barely underway and it's almost over.

I am so heartbroken. It's all I can think about. I went to see him for the first time today - another long story but our families are not ones for living in each other's pockets so while there's no ill feeling we're more of a 'births, marriages and deaths' family. Nobody had told us that he had been admitted into there and definitely not said that he wasn't going to come out. We (me and my brother) finally got told at the weekend and my brother went yesterday and I went today.

On the positive side he was lucid, still able to hold a good, if slow, conversation and we had a lot to laugh about talking about the times we had as kids when we were all a lot closer. He looked better than I expected but it's truly saddened me right to my core.

Of the cousins I have in that part of the family he is the youngest and was always my favourite. We were always close as kids and in our late teens we almost got it together - yes, I know, he's my cousin and women are my thing - but I was an utter mess back then and he never held that against me, never made it a big deal even if it made things as awkward for him as it did for me for a long while. I still to this day don't know whether it was a good thing or a bad thing that we almost went down that road.

He got married and is now divorced but has a little boy. I can't rationalise how unfair it is that he won't see his son grow up. I know that he's the one doing the suffering and I'm sure that how sad I feel isn't one millionth of what he is going through but watching his sisters caring for him today has broken me. I would love to be able to go every day but I don't live close enough to and I have to work so I can't. I just hope he knows that I really do care and that when I said that if he needed anything just to let me know and that I absolutely meant it.

Their family has always been infighting and it's not stopping now, not even in the face of losing their brother/son. That's the awful side of this situation. Having lost both parents and now no longer speaking to my sister I can say for sure that tragedy and loss brings the very best and the very worst out of people.

So I think I might feel a bit more clear headed for getting some of this off my chest but it's made me cry all over again just trying to wrap my head around how painful this all is, what the reality of this is and just the thought of him being gone. I know that again tonight I'll go to bed worrying about everything, hoping that he has pain relief and peace enough to sleep and relax a little. I just wish it wasn't like this. I wish that cancer wasn't going to take his life too soon. I wish that there was something I could do.

Oh, and to top it all off it would've been my Mum's birthday today. She would have been 75. I miss her so much and this is partly why the sadness has completely overwhelmed me today.

I try to remind myself often that life is too short and before you know it it can be over. I try to make myself do the things that scare me and take the opportunities given to me in an attempt to live a full life. Please hug the ones you love extra tight and hold on to every happy moment life gives you. Please don't waste a day because someday for all of us they'll be numbered.

If you read to the end of this, thank you for 'listening' x
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